Yesterday was a lazy Saturday. The last Saturday after the holidays and the last Saturday before we go back to work or school. My wife woke up, got out of bed and went for a run. The rest of us slept in, read in bed, watched a movie, tickled each other. After all, it was cold and wet outside.
Eventually, at a time that I am embarrassed to mention, we rolled out of bed, had breakfast and pretended that we were busy doing things, which was literally going from one couch to the next. In my book, that is a valuable Saturday.
Later in the evening, we started discussing what would we have for dinner. Unavoidably, the conversation shifted to what we were missing and who would go to the super market. Usually that chore falls on me, and with everyone else still wearing pyjamas, I faced the reality that I would have to go once again. I didn't mind really, it would be my way out of the house for the day. So, I made sure I had the shopping list with me, picked up our reusable shopping bags, because above all we protect the environment, jumped into my diesel-engine car and disappeared into the night.
I have a routine when going to the super market. I go to two or three different ones depending what I need to buy, I wear my headphone, turn on Spotify, select my friend's dark playlist, and waltz through the isles humming, drumming my fingers and even singing. Actually, singing has become easier with the face mask on; none can tell how out of tune I sing!
I finished my shopping tour with three visits to stores, buying the essentials along with deserts and other naughty, unhealthy food and was ready to return home. One last stop at the gas station to further demonstrate my hypocrisy regarding global warming: we recycle anything we can from what we use, we even complain for there are so much more we could recycle, we accuse the food suppliers for using so much plastic, and then we buy grapes from South America in December ignoring how much energy they require to get to us and what kind of carbon footprint they have, while we drive our diesel-fuelled car to shop.
When I got home, parked the car and tried to take all four shopping bags and various other packages that did not fit in the bags, through the parking, up the stairs and into the house, all in one go. There is a good Michael McIntire joke about that, and I always laugh with myself when I do it, but I am a man and that is what men do. Dropped the shopping on the kitchen floor and started to put everything away, when my wife came in asking:
- "Where is the rye flour?"
Suddenly I remembered that I have forgotten it, and I remembered exactly where I was when I remembered it before I actually forgotten it.
- "Sorry love, what?"
- "The rye flour, it was the first thing on your list and I need it to make bread."
- "Oh no, I forgot! Sorry", I replied casually.
But what came as a response was not casual at all.
- "It was on the list. I put it on the list so that you don't forget and you didn't get it. Or you decided not to get it because you decided that we don't need it?", she yelled at me with an increasing volume in her voice.
- "I forgot, sorry", I said again but I guess different words reached her ears, because something made her even angrier.
- "Really? Tell me the truth. Didn't you just think that we don't need it and that you know better than me?"
I realized that this was going to be a pointless conversation and an unavoidable fight. So I got up, put my shoes and jacket on, and rushed to the car for another super market visit. While I was driving and was replaying the vents in my mind, thinking how misunderstood and unappreciated I felt , it was revealed to me how similar our behaviour as parents can be to ward our children.
It is often that some of our conversations with our teenage daughter end up in a screaming match. She feels misunderstood, unappreciated, wronged and she storms into her room, while we feel pretty much the same. Communication breaks for a while because both sides are hearing something that is not there, or they are saying something that is not understood, or the perspective of the conversation is completely wrong. There are many times that my answer to my kids' questions is biased by my mood from work, or from a conversation I had with my wife, or even by my own fears and prejudices. In the other hand, the children react or respond in a challenging way because they may be tired, or they had a fight, or they were really looking forward for a different answer than the one they got. And then, a fight starts.
My children have been a great teacher to me. Their faces, their body language, and their reactions are the purest and most unbiased sensor for my own wrong reactions. They have the ability to make me understand that I am tired or that I am upset, and that my reaction is not normal. Personal problems, work problems, problems in general cause us to be less patient, more distracted, very short-fused, and most of all unfair. We do not have the patience to listen and understand the people around us, we do not have the time to concentrate to our children and we do not have the energy to resolve the issues that are important to them. Our own children, those that we love and adore and protect and serve, are becoming our very own punching bags. The children are becoming the actual victims of our modern way of life and of our personal work-related ambitions. We forget that their lives are complicated as well, proportionally to their age, and that their problems and question, although they may seem simplistic or even silly, they are very important to them. They deserve our full attention and our honest effort to understand them and help them the best way we can. Our children need us next to them, with our own faults and our own imperfect opinions. They need our presence, our guidance, and our support. They need to feel us as a constant force next to them. They need to feel that they do not need to face this world alone. We are there for them.
As a matter of fact, I feel that our relationship with our spouses should be the same. Our exhausted reactions do not only hurt our children but they also hurt our spouses. And it is not just the men that get tired and overreact, it is also the women. We all have similar weaknesses and we all must recognise these behaviours in ourselves in order to correct them. Most importantly, we must be able to recognise these behaviours in the people around us, so we can help them solve them, or help our families from unnecessary turbulence. Everyone in the home must be accepting and understanding. Everyone, regardless of age or gender. Everyone.
I smiled to myself, got the flour and returned for dinner as if nothing had happened. I even brought flowers.