“We endure” she said with encouragement.
I nod half-heartedly. “As if we had a choice”, I think to myself, “what else could we do anyway” and I feel my head lowering and my eyes wander into nothing.
A multitude of events slapped us in the face this past year, and we have been taking turns holding each other upright. Illness, isolation, unemployment, death, homelessness. Most of them at the same time and with a complete sense of permanence.
“What can we do”, we wondered, and the answer was never spoken but was always present. “We go on, we endure”.
When mother became ill, she tried to cure her and we tried to live with the knowledge that life as we knew it has changed forever. We looked around, took in all the good things that were happening for us and moved through. Changed our house, changed the way we interacted, tried different cures, found daily help, and looked at the sky for support.
When isolation came, we became angry and thought of the unfairness of the situation. Then we looked around and saw our young stars and then we saw the fields and the forests and the openness and joy they may bring. We closed our ears to all the bearers of bad news and destruction and took long walks in the quiet of nature. We ran, we cycled, we walked, and we looked up for strength. “That too, shall pass”.
Then unemployment came. Not a complete surprise but I was hoping to avoid it. The mind and soul were exhausted from the continuous stress from that job, so the exit came with relief. I could almost hear my blood pressure dropping to normal levels. I could breathe again and get rid of those fake people that were hurting me while smiling and were pretending to care. Looking for work during a period of depression is not an easy task. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months and the new job was still not here. The relief became stress and the sound of hypertension started whistling in my ears. The laughter started fading and the lights were burning less and less bright each day. Once again, I looked at my family and felt the weight of responsibility bending my back and lowering my head. Then I looked at the sky for help and guidance, lifted my head and tried to smile. Maybe tomorrow the smile will be more genuine, but will be there.
Meanwhile, death knocked at our door and tried to masquerade our pain to relief. We played along but the void left behind is a distinct reminder of a permanent sense of loss. After the tiers and the wailing subsided, we looked around and then we looked at the sky. Nothing will replace the loss but the presence and grace can be with us every day. We prayed and moved forward, with darkness in our eye but with a silent gratitude in our hearts.
Meanwhile, homelessness was threatening us. Our landlord decided to sell his house, probably share the money amongst his sons that could not decide what to do with their late mother’s house, or he just saw an opportunity to improve his cash flow. No matter what the reason was, the result was that we needed to move out. With a deadline. With the threat of becoming homeless, no matter how distant that could be. We looked and we looked and we looked, without success. Apparently many people decided to take advantage of flexible working and tax relief and move into our area. No houses were available and those that were, had ridiculous rent demands. We started looking at other areas and faced the misty eyes of our babies that were being asked to suddenly and without preparation move to a different school in a town they have never been into. When we saw their support behind their protest, we looked at the sky for a sign. And the sign came, and it pointed 100 yards away, at least for a bit of time. A small apartment, but cozy and warm. A nest for us to pass the cold winter. And then we will make our plans.
The truth is, that there are a lot of things we could do differently, and there are a lot of choices out there for us. Well, maybe not for us and that is the difference. Choices unpleasant, destructive, and sometimes fatal. But we made our own choices, not to become bitter, not to hurt ourselves more, not to sit down and cry in despair and hopelessness. We looked at the sky and asked for help and guidance, we looked at the sky and whispered a prayer, we looked at the sky and let go, we looked at the sky and waited for the solution to present itself. It was not easy, it was not obvious, but it partly happened.
In this case, she is right: We endure, and we live to fight another day.