I woke up in the middle of the night and started twisting and turning in my bed. Something was bothering me but couldn't put my finger on it. My knees were aching, my stomach felt unhappy, my throat was dry, my heart was beating loudly in my ears. I got up and took a stroll in the room, went to the bathroom, drank some water and got back to bed. Tried to sleep but it felt that I was only closing my eyes for a minute at a time.
Eventually the alarm rang. Time to wake up, prepare the children for school and get on with my day. I crawled out of bed, felt the chilly room air, and started getting dressed. Something was off. I could feel it. I was up for just one minute and I already felt that I was in a bad mood. Why? Don't know.
I went to the girl's room, it was time to wake up. Chrysanthi is usually up by now. Since she got her first phone, she has set the alarm in the phone and wakes up pretty much the same time that I do. Well, not today. Apparently she was a bit tired from swimming practice the night before.
"Must be the weather," I thought to myself trying to find a connection between my mood, Chrysanthi's tiredness and an external reason to blame. Being who she is, she knew that she had to get up even if she could use a couple more hours of sleep. Athanasia in the other hand, offers a different experience to waking up. She needs her time, some cuddles, some tickling maybe, but definitely she need love and hugs and kisses. Lately she has been very cooperative and positive and she gets up and ready to school in almost no time. I say "almost" because preparing her hair is a daily ritual that she takes very seriously. A different coup every day, prepared by her own hands, matching her outfit and her mood. Today was going to be a challenge all around. For reasons that only she comprehends, having PE (Physical Education) at school has become a problem. Don't get me wrong, Athanasia is very athletic and very active. Somehow, PE has been classified as boring and having PE in the day makes her grumpy.
"Do you have PE today, love?" I asked innocently trying to get her focused on what she needed to wear. Her face changed. From a sleepy, sweet girl, with her hair in her face, she suddenly changed into an angry, grumpy, uncooperative brat. I felt my pulse in my ear, my heart throbbing and my smile sinking into a frown of my own. I held it together, got up, turned around and left. Time for my son to wake up.
Thanasis was already awake and pretending to be asleep so he can jump up and startle me. We hugged, kissed, and now he was ready to get dressed.
Time move on and we were getting closer to the time we had to leave the house. I started calling the kids one by one to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to. Then, I saw Athanasia walking down the stairs with the same angry face, her hair undone and thankfully her clothes on. This is where I usually put on a smile and tease her a little bit in order to change the frown into a smile, and it usually works. So I tried it today but instead of my usual calm and playful act, I started yelling at her for having that face. Of course, she cried and ran back to her room. Of course, I felt shame, turned around and went somewhere far away from people. I needed to regroup.
My day was not going well. I didn't feel happy, I felt tired and irritable and felt like I was expecting something bad to happen. Why? I have no idea. I just woke up that way. But am I the only one that wakes up in a particular mood that dictates my behaviour throughout the day? Obviously not. I am a middle aged, educated, mature father and they are young children not even knowing themselves. I expect them to control their feelings and emotions while I cannot. Something is not right and it is in my mind.
Our mood changes constantly as it is exposed to the elements of our lives. And it is not just ours, but our children's as well. What I never forget but sometimes fail to apply is that we, the parents, are also part of our children's environment. We can be their sunshine, their rain, their light and their darkness. They might run to grab an umbrella or they might jump from joy in the rain or the sun. But they do that knowing that we are the greatest part of their world. I forget it sometimes and it pains me greatly. I apologise to them and promise myself that I won't do it again. But then, I forget again. We influence our children's mood as much as they influence ours. Some may say that we are tired, we work a lot, we have no patience, we have adult problems. Yes, all these are true. At the same time, our children have their own lives. School, sports, siblings, friends. They have their own lives that although it might seem simple to us, it is their world, it is their lives and it is immensely important to them. So we need to respect them and their problems and give them the space they need to digest and resolve their issues without us poking them with a stick. It doesn't matter how big or small they seem to us, they are what affects them every day and we need to acknowledge it. We may not understand it or agree with it but we need to let them know that we know it is there.
I should read this every day. Every day that I wake up from a bad dream or restless sleep, every day that work is not going well, every day that we lose something important. We need to remember that our children are equally tired or sad or anxious about their lives. We need to understand that we are each other's shelter. When I hug my boy and my girls, the whole world fades away, becomes noise. The focus is them, and for them our hug, our kiss, our support is the strength they need to move forward. My children are the best thing that happened in my life, and my love for them is the best thing that happens every day. Being their loving father is the greatest job I have ever had or ever will have. Love is what we need to teach them for their own lives, and the way to do that is to let them experience it from us, we need to become their living proof. Just Love. Unconditional and everlasting. Free and unending. Healing.
In case you were wondering, the rest of my day went pretty well!
Comentarios